JOKE OF THE DAY: Some Posts Write Themselves

Is this the funniest freaking story ever?

New York Daily News: W library in record book; $500M center would be priciest for a Prez

Eager to begin refurbishing his tattered legacy, the President
hopes to raise $500 million to build his library and a think
tank at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. Bush lived
in Dallas until he was elected governor of Texas in 1995.

You must believe me, it just gets better after that. Where does one even begin?

IRAQ: Aww, Isn't That Nice

A conservative on another message board presented this to me as an "uplifting Thanksgiving story". This picture goes with it, of an American soldier comforting an Iraqi child (note the scars on her shaven head):























Now here's the warm, happy story behind the picture:

Got a tough, but heartwarming story and a picture of
John Gebhardt in Iraq. For those that did not know
John, he was our former Med Group Chief, Dave
Nordel replaced him. Anyway, his wife talked with
mine last evening and sent this picture. Mindy related
that this little girl's entire family was executed. They
intended to execute her also and shot her in the head
but they failed to kill her.

If this is the "good news" coming out of our occupation. . .

JOKE OF THE DAY: Holiday Edition

From a guy I talk to on a local message board:

Has the War on Christmas begun yet? Or
are we still trying the diplomatic route?

ELECTION '06: All Hail the Power of Snark!

Dan Savage wrote something that, I can honestly say, I've long known to be true:

There’s a reason why monarchs and despots used to lock
up political cartoonists and satirists. Being made to look
ridiculous, being turned into the butt of a joke—that’s
politically disempowering fairy dust. It’s hard to rule when
you’re not taken seriously, and it’s hard to be taken
seriously once you’ve been reduced to a punch line. Indeed,
the power of satire should never be underestimated.

Yes, mocking powerful people isn't just fun, it helps make the world a better place as well. So keep that in mind as you read the (many, many) cheap shots that will be taken on this blog.

ELECTION '06: Blackwell in the Black

This just in: I'm receiving reports that Ken Blackwell has won the governorship of Ohio with 126% of the vote. Congratulations Ken! That's gotta be a record!

RELIGION: Beware of Satan's Craws!

"Working for the devil--aaand loving it!"

I've long known that Colorado is what we here at Notorious P.A.T. scientifically term a "weird-ass state". Of course this is the state that rewrote its constitution to deny outlaw gay rights laws. And who can forget hootch magnate Pete Coors running for Senate on the surprising platform of lowering the drinking age to 18? Then there was University of Colorado football coach Bill McCartney who used to go around the country with the Promise Keepers and lecture about family values, but who encouraged his daughter to get an abortion when one of his players put her in A Family Way. And so on.

The weirdness of Colorado seems to be extruded into especially potent form in Colorado Springs. When I passed through that city on one of my cross-country fact-finding missions, it struck me as an odd conglomeration of overly-scrubbed Stepford wife eerieness and Western macho meatheadedness. For instance, I'd see a Christian bookstore next to a Hooters restaurant (guess which one I stopped at). So it's no surprise to me that Colorado Springs-based pastor Ted Haggard was embroiled in a sex scandal involving methamphetamine and male hookers. What did come as a surprise, and quite a pleasant one, was Haggard's explanation of the problems that have faced him as a man trying to siege the city for Jesus.

For instance, here's an excerpt from a Harper's magazine profile of pastor Ted:

He called the evil forces that dominated Colorado Springs—and every other
metropolitan area in the country—“Control.” Sometimes, he says, Control
would call him late on Saturday night, threatening to kill him. “Any more
impertinence out of you, Ted Haggard,” he claims Control once told him, “and
there will be unrelenting pandemonium in this city.”

Now, when I hear "Control" I think of the super-secret agency that employed ace spy Maxwell Smart of the classic TV series "Get Smart" (I think my favorite episode was the one where President Nixon awarded Smart the Medal of Freedom for promising the invasion of Viet Nam was a "slam dunk"). They're the good guys! If Pastor Ted is going to make up a paranoid nationwide conspiracy, couldn't he at least pick an enemy that really is an enemy? How about "The Empire" or "The League of Shadows" or simply "Mordor"? I mean, his credibility is on the line!

I'm starting to think this guy has been watching too much television. Hey, wouldn't it be something if his wife looked a lot like Agent 99?



Holy cow! I think I've just blown this story wide open!

ELECTION '06: Countdown to Martial Law!

By my estimate, Bush will declare martial law around 1 AM eastern time wednesday morning. The reasons for this are:

1) 1 Am will give him plenty of time to sleep before he gets up at 6:45 in the morning to put in another hard day's work. Why 6:45? Because before 9/11 he used to get up at 7, but after we were attacked and went to war he decided to give the job an extra 15 minutes.

2) Bush has to make the declaration soon after the polls close, so that it hasn't started to sink in among the populace that Democrats now control Congress, but to prevent cognitive dissonance in his followers he should wait until the next day, so the Republicans can say with complete sincerity that our new military rule has nothing at all to do with the elections.

3) Because our soldiers don't have sufficient body armor, it's better to deploy them at night, when they will be harder to see.

4) By 1 Am the Republicans should have had enough time to figure out which areas they still control and which ones need to be "secured".

Just think of it: armed checkpoints, sweeping searchlights, helicopters. It will be like living in a James Bond movie!

All kidding aside, how would you like to be a Republican and have your party's future resting on the shoulders of Rick Santorum?